Pond Punkies

ear Ms. Lisa Riebe,

I hate to do this.  You were so nice when I met you at the Chicago Artist’s Expo a few months ago. I do appreciate that you gave me a signed copy of your new children’s book, Pond Punkies, for review. However, I read the first chapter of your book and found that it contained ten glaring grammatical errors in the same number of pages, and this, coupled with the many research errors I also found in the first ten pages, compelled me to stop reading your book.

I’m afraid I will not recommend that anyone read it. I am a reviewer, not a copy editor, and I simply cannot recommend that children read a book that might leave them thinking that “all to familiar” is grammatically correct or that there is no difference between past and past perfect tense. Perhaps I’m being picky, and perhaps this is because of the sheer number of proofreaders I know who can’t find work, but I think that using proper grammar is a cornerstone in the foundation of good writing. You can’t write the next Phantom Tollbooth if you can’t integrate a subject into a sentence properly.

All fantasy and sci-fi writers have to be careful that they don’t make mistakes in their understanding of technology, physics, and, well, facts about the world that does exist while creating one that doesn’t. Your portrayal of Neptune didn’t jive so well with me, I’m afraid. As a gaseous planet in our solar system, it would be hard to walk, crawl, or even exist on its surface. I’m supposing you may have meant the Neptune Training Academy (N.T.A.)–that’s the proper way to present an abbreviation, by the bye–to be located on the inner, solid level of Neptune below its enormous atmosphere, but I find it hard to believe that your humanoid characters wouldn’t have been crushed by the pressure.

Also, if Ace and Blaze, as friends, are “closer than any two stars in the Milky Way,” that’s not really saying much about their friendship.Pick any two stars in the Milky Way and the distance between them will be–how should I say this?–extremely far. Far as shit.  So far that your analogy doesn’t really mean anything.  Don’t let a theme impose itself on your writing. I get it; this is a kids book and you want them to know it’s about outer space. But kids aren’t stupid, and you shouldn’t write as if they are. Keep your facts straight.

Also, not letting your theme impose itself on your writing includes not opening your book with the scene of two best friends commenting on the color and texture of each other’s hair as if it’s novel just so you can show your readers that their hair is icy blue and fire red. The best children’s books are not dumbed down because their readers are only at a fourth-grade level; they find inventive ways to be both smart and comprehensible. I’m afraid your book misses the mark.

I’d be happy to read and review a revised version of Pond Punkies, however, since this is already published–in hardcover no less–I doubt that’s going to happen. Even if you walk away from this review feeling really pissed that some online book reviewer had the balls to call you out, I hope you’ll do one thing for me: talk to your editor about the grammatical errors. Your editor is taking a share of the profits from your writing, and he or she is not doing his or her job. Get a new one with an eye for details.

Best,

Julie